Yuck, No

I don’t know how all this started. That’s wrong: I do. I was scrolling through my (old lady) Facebook feed and saw two recipes in a row that looked so gross that I laughed and took a screen shot, thinking I might mock it here, with all of you.

I don’t even remember what that top recipe was, but then the second one looks like a prop you’d make for a Stranger Things holiday party. Something best left forgotten, because it was never good.

Of course the problem with taking a screen shot, or maybe it’s just lingering too long in the feed, is that now your social media algorithm senses that you want more of it. Which I didn’t think about when I started taking more screenshots. Because it became increasingly comical.

Listen, as my dad would say: concerning taste there can be no argument. And in some ways, I’m doomed in this season, because I don’t like the taste of pumpkin almost as much as I don’t like the flavor of pumpkin spice. Also: I hate gingerbread. So when the feed starting serving up seasonal goodies, I was like: yuck, funny that they want me to make the last desserts I would ever possibly want to make.

No, no, no. You’d think that we could just move on from there, but then the feed is like, hey, pumpkin is so naturally healthful, you’ll love these babies!

In my head I was laughing and saying “Ewww, no, absolutely not, Facebook! I do not like pumpkin! Quit it!” but again it was so ironic that I took more pictures. So then AI was all, oh, that works for you? Let’s see if we can make desserts out of sweet potatoes!

Listen, I’ve done my time disguising food. I have whirled spinach into my kids’ fruit smoothies, I have baked beets into red velvet cupcakes, I have even tried to make that viral avocado chocolate mousse (the first two were pretty good, the mousse was potentially vomit-inducing). I am past the Age of Deception. If I want a sweet potato, I’ll eat a freakin’ sweet potato. And if I want a brownie, I will just eat the freakin’ brownie. And no amount of artful morning drink steam will make me believe that sweet potato, oat, and raisin cookies are a good idea for breakfast.

But again, I couldn’t help but linger and laugh, and so the hits kept coming. It was uncanny how the feed seemed to sense what I disliked the most and then spun it into recipe ideas for me. For example: lemon and dairy: I have always thought it was a terrible combination.

Me: Give me a lemon bar or some lemon sorbet, sure, but don’t mix it with milk products.

Facebook: What’s that, you say? I know you’ll love these!

Me: ugh, no. But, like, so wrong that I have to take screenshots! This is funny.

Facebook: Oh, that’s the stuff, huh? How about if I suggest a dessert version of a snack that you thought was gross even way back as a child in the 1970s?

And y’all, I know. I saved the massive likes, comments, and shares, because clearly this is really hitting the spot for some people, and, as I like to say, “Good for them, not for me.” But this had become almost as comical as when my social media clearly thought I was an extremely obese black lady (maybe because I was an early Lizzo appreciator?) or that time when they were trying to sell me bras for women with extremely small breasts (after shopping for tween daughters). I mean, it just. kept. going.

Sometimes it would be something that sounded like it might potentially taste good, but it just looked so gross that it made me laugh.

I mean, I get it. This is probably tasty, and clearly many people think so, but I am an unbearable snob because somehow the way that this is artfully displayed in all its gooey, glistening glory made me laugh.

When the cinnamon roll cheesecake showed up in my feed, I had to acknowledge that my interactions were just exacerbating the issue. It made me laugh not just because Cute W loves cinnamon rolls and hates cheesecake, but also because the juxtaposition just seemed unholy and symbolic of American decadence, like when a fast food joint says, “let’s use a quesadilla as a taco shell” or “let’s use bacon and French toast as burger buns.”

And, I mean, the recipes were degenerating even further. Here are a couple of the last two screenshots I took before I decided that things were perilously close to rock bottom.

I vowed to stop taking screen shots: I had plenty for a post to share with you all. It was hard to ignore the recipe that included both tofu and Spam, but I resisted. Of course, it will take a while for the feed to catch up. I told Cute W about my issue last night. “And now I’m getting dog treat recipes!” I said. He was mystified. “We’re not even a dog household,” he insisted. “Listen,” I said, “just because we own cats doesn’t mean that I can resist a good rescue story or puppy video.”

I knew the only way to stop the madness was to stop lingering and taking pictures, but the items coming up on my phone were so hilariously bad and unappetizing that, as we lay snuggled in bed looking at our phones, I kept turning my screen to Cute W to get his reaction. He quickly morphed from amused to distraught on my behalf. “You have got to get out of that corner of the internet!” he said, with such alarm that it sounded as if he had forgotten how many more sinister corners of the internet are out there.

I woke up this morning a bit grouchy; I’d had a stressful dream that had vanished from my consciousness upon waking. Cute W immediately speculated it was because of all of the disturbing food imagery that I’d consumed.

I am hoping that this phase will pass soon. Luckily, I spent a good twenty minutes sock shopping this morning, so I’m feeling optimistic.

UPDATE: Since publishing this post, I have scrolled quickly past a recipe called “Moose Farts” and another for cheesecake-stuffed chocolate chip cookies.